Category : Funk

Surrender…

Surrender_rs


Thursday, February 21st, 2013 0

The truth is, January and February have felt hard. I’ve been struggling, friends, despite the good news that’s come my way and the creative dreams coming to light. My morning ritual slipped a bit, and that did not help matters. I was ignoring my body with the exception of sleep, and that didn’t help either. So after sitting with this funk for almost two months, I’ve begun to dust myself off. I’m back to my morning pages. And I’m back on the mat. I am learning the art of surrender.

Surrender_rsLearning the Art of Surrender by Kip Mazu

If you want to learn surrender,
then the next time
you are caught out in the rain
without a raincoat or umbrella,
rather than run for shelter,
allow yourself to get wet.

You will be very aware
of the resistance to getting wet,
that instinctual urge
to run for shelter,
the sense of ‘me’
that wants to protect itself.

This is what
must be surrendered
in order to stay out in the rain.

When this resistance
is surrendered,
and you allow yourself
to fully feel the experience
of being soaked,
then there is a sense of freedom
from yourself that carries with it
a sense of deep
unfathomable peace.

It has nothing to do
with liking the rain
or not liking the rain.

Rather, it is letting go
of the one that likes
or doesn’t like,
the one that separates
itself from the rain in the first place.

And when you do that
you are simply left
with what is.

There is no you
and what is,
there is simply what is.

And the experience
of what is
is peace,
is delight.

It is completely
open and vulnerable
and complete
in itself.

If you apply
this experience
of being in the rain
to any situation,
any emotion,
then there will be
incredible freedom.

It has nothing to do
with the particular experience,
rather it is about
letting go of the one
that separates itself
from experience,
letting go of the one
that tries to control
the experience.

Because it is that separation
that creates all conflict.


Thursday, February 21st, 2013 16

The past few weeks, even months, have been moving along full steam ahead. And while time is moving ever more quickly (yes, a sign that I’m growing older), life has been feeling pretty good. Really good. Actually, some things have been positively fan-freaking-tastic. And then, just like that, wham. All that goodness, that bit of fan-freaking-tastic-ness, seems to come to a grinding halt. Of course, not all of life has shifted, but it certainly feels that way. The stomach ache, the sleepless nights, the incessant dread lingering in the back of the head all seem to take over. The swirling has commenced.

I know that “this, too, shall pass.” But today, it’s here. Just like that.


Monday, November 12th, 2012 11

I’d planned to accomplish so much this long holiday weekend. I was going to head out to the State Fair to shoot some fun carnival-esque Polaroids. I planned to {finally} spend some time going through and editing my digital photos from France. And, I was going to draft a submission to a magazine in which I’d really like my photographs and words to be published. But the weekend did not unfold as I had planned.

Instead, I felt out of sorts, with a swollen eye that was (and is) causing me quite a bit of pain and discomfort. I spent some time at Urgent Care and then some time in bed. I didn’t go to the State Fair, didn’t edit photos from France, and didn’t write a draft for the magazine. Not the weekend as I’d planned, but the weekend as it was. And that will have to be okay.


Tuesday, September 4th, 2012 6

Having grown up near the ocean, I spent many summer days swimming in the Atlantic. And while I love swimming in the ocean (and miss it desperately), I recall numerous times that I got knocked down by thunderous waves, and swirled around in the mix of white water and sand. That’s kinda what this week is feeling like, minus the beach, the umbrellas, and the cute lifeguards. And all that knocking down is pushing me deeper and deeper into a FUNK.

I’m trying to shake it off. I know there are times of ebb and flow. I know that getting rejections means I’m being brave in putting myself out there. But still…it kinda sucks right now.

Thankfully, I’ve got my trusty Mark Nepo book that I aim to read each morning, and you know what it said for today’s entry? Nepo was describing a woman’s journey through Europe, and he said this: “…though she often wasn’t sure where she was, she never felt lost. It was when she needed to arrive at a certain station at a certain time that she felt she was off course, astray, and at the fringe of where she was supposed to be…When we can free up our sense of needing to arrive in a certain place, we lessen the weight of being lost. And once beneath arriving and beneath our fear of failing to arrive, the real journey begins.”

Huh…interesting story and timing. Yes, rejection hurts and having things not work out the way I’d hoped *is* disappointing. Four times over in one week might put anyone in a FUNK. However, Nepo provides some perspective and solace that I’m working to take in and refocus myself. Perhaps these destinations weren’t the places I needed to be. Perhaps I’ve grown too attached to a timetable and to certain locations, and perhaps these attachments are what contribute to my feelings of being lost and in a FUNK. So, how to let go of these? Oh yeah, by doing this. Keep on the journey and trust the process.

How are you doing? What do you do to shake off a FUNK?


Thursday, August 23rd, 2012 18

I’m feeling a bit edgy. A bit cranky. A bit…meh. Tangentially, I looked up edgy in the dictionary because the spelling looked wonky to me (it is, however, spelled correctly), and here were the definitions offered: “nervously irritable; impatient and anxious; sharply defined.” To those options I say, “YES!” I’m all of those. I’m not sure if it’s the post-birthday let down, or the I-didn’t-have-the-run-I-wanted-to-have blues, or this state of limbo I feel like I’ve been in for months. I don’t know exactly what it is. Likely, it’s a combination of all those aspects of my life right now. As much as I’d rather not be feeling nervously irritable and sharply defined, I am feeling this way. And I’ve learned the hard way that I need to go through these feelings and not around. Even still, I’m looking forward to more days that look and feel like this…

How about you? How are you feeling these days? Meh or homemade sangria on the patio?


Tuesday, May 8th, 2012 6

As soon as I think I’m doing okay, coping well with the loss of Ripken, a tidal wave of grief crashes over me. Small things churn these waves. Driving past the vet’s office, looking at the dog bed with only Parker lying there, noticing only one set of bowls on the kitchen floor. And then, I lose it. The tears well in my eyes, my throat tightens, my stomach knots. I try to remind myself “it was for the best” and to remember he’s not suffering. Yet these phrases don’t offer much comfort. The sobs come as the tears spill over and streak my face.

As much as I want to feel better, to be able to focus and get work done, to “move on,” I know all too well that this is how grief goes. It will be an ebb and flow of feeling better and feeling worse. This time will be filled with many moments of feeling like it all just sneaked up on me. Again. Such is the nature of grief and loss. And as I reflect on Life Refocused and lessons from Alt about focusing on the intention of my website, I realize I am doing just that. This grief, this loss, this missing of Ripken is focusing on what matters. This picture of my grief is using photography to creatively capture an important moment in my life. I am hurting because I deeply loved. And that, for sure, is dwelling in what really matters.


Thursday, January 26th, 2012 15

Choose love. When in doubt, choose love. I’ve written about this very thing before, but today, I’m focusing on choosing love toward myself. I’m feeling a bit sensitive. A bit raw. A bit vulnerable. You know how when you have the flu and your body feels uber-sensitive and like any slight touch to your skin hurts. I’m feeling that. But emotionally. I often respond to these internal feelings with a harshness and a voice that scolds myself about being too needy. I typically respond by telling myself to “stop it, quit being SO sensitive,” accompanied with my famous eye-roll (yes, I’m aware that I’m an eye-roller of epic proportions). But this self-berating, it’s just not helpful. It’s not nurturing, not caring, not understanding. It’s bullying…and I want to stop that. So today, I’m choosing love. For me.


Tuesday, October 4th, 2011 4
Posted in: Funk, Mantra, Refocus, SOOC

I’ve been in a definite funk the past few weeks. Everything is fine, really. Lots to be grateful for, in fact. Yet, I’ve had a case of the blahs. I’ve been walking around with these feelings of sadness just below the surface, tears waiting for any opportunity to roll (have you seen those new Google Chrome commercials with Lady Gaga and Dan Savage?!? Those get me every time). As I’ve journaled most mornings and written about this funk, I’ve tried to figure out where these blahs are stemming from. I realize that much of it has to do with expectations, desires, and waiting on a decision or action from someone else. I am beginning to see that I’m giving scads of power over to others, and not holding much of my own. So yesterday, as I went to a much-needed yoga class, I set a new mantra for myself: “TRUST. I have done my part.”

I have done my part. And I cannot control the actions of others. I can only do my part. And you know what, repeating that mantra, reminding myself of that, is helping. I can only take the next step. Honor the journey. And maybe Lady Gaga has it right, maybe I’m on the edge of glory.


Wednesday, May 25th, 2011 10
Posted in: Funk, Refocus, SOOC, Universe

It’s been a wet, cold, and dreary April here in Nebraska. It’s contributed to some low moods and a rather *meh* birthday weekend. And although one of my most cherished places on earth ~ Oregon! ~ is a rather rainy place for many months of the year, at least it’s always green and lush there. I’m craving some light. And some green. And some lush-ness. While I wait (and practice the virtue I likely need the most), here are a few more shots from that emerald state and my visit last month.

Gorgeous blue glass on my friend’s windowsill. Note to self: start collecting colored glass.

A beautiful, rusty truck with the old-school blue and yellow license plate.

A homemade wind-chime.

How’s the weather where you are? What are you craving these days?


Tuesday, April 26th, 2011 11
Posted in: Funk, SOOC