Category : Refocus
I somewhat jokingly posted on Facebook that I have developed an addiction to buying shirts with the word “love” emblazoned on them. My collection keeps growing and I can’t seem to stop myself from buying just one more, and then another, and then… Talking with one of my best guys this week, he mentioned how much he is digging this “love campaign” I’ve got going on. Huh. A love campaign?
Truth be told, I have been rather love focused this year. This is surprising, most of all to me, given that I’ve been dealing with the greatest heartbreak of my life. Love walked right out my own front door, and I seem to have been seeking it everywhere since. Literally putting love on. Wearing “love” on ever increasing numbers of tanks and tees. Maybe I’ve been unconsciously believing if I have the word “love” written across my chest, it will fill up my heart by way of osmosis.
You see, the other truth is that I have been filled with rage. Sorrow. Disbelief. I’ve had vengeful thought after vengeful thought. Mean. Perverse. Bordering on evil fantasies. Ideas of possible futures blowing up in the face of a person who I used to know. Who I used to love. Who I used to have a life with. My thoughts and I have been dark. So dark I don’t even want to admit that it’s true I have these images, these scenarios I dream up as I drive to work, walk the dog, read words on a page with no retention.
I want to hide these parts for fear that you will see how awful I can be. Flooded with hate. Venom coursing through me. But all those feelings are true. They cannot be denied. They won’t allow me to disown them. He cut and run, and never looked back. After 16 years.
But his actions, his choices of abandonment, they say far more about him than they ever will about me.
Because I can feel this darkness, this black vastness, begin to eat me alive. And I won’t allow that. I can’t. I will not let hate take root. I will not let the vengeful fantasies, the voodoo thoughts take over. Why? To do so would mean to turn away from the light. To disavow the incredible love that surrounds me. The love that has held me up and not let me be sucked into the vortex of bleakness.
Love is not simply a word inscribed on my phone case, my sweatshirt, my yoga tank. Love is my religion, my practice, my guide. Love is what I want to be, how I want to be, who I want to be. I want to radiate love. I want to breathe love in. I want to shower you with love. Love is everything. Love is the only thing.
So, yeah. Maybe I am on a love campaign.
A night like no other
Burned into my brain,
Came out of nowhere
Darkening my door.
Filled with fear and shock,
Guideposts fell away
Hearing the muffler fade in the distance.
I sat in stunned silence,
January having just begun.
Knowing not what lie ahead,
Love seemed the only answer.
My rock and my salvation.
Not understanding then
Open-heartedness wouldn’t matter.
Parker cried for months,
Questioning as did I.
Remembering all the years,
Saying my goodbyes.
Trust had irrevocably been broken
Unveiled as months unfolded.
Vows that rung unspoken,
Wounds that may not heal.
(E)xiled in my heart,
You likely cannot see
Zone when I’ll be free.
(photo taken by Cherish Bryck)
I’m over at ViewFinders today with a post that is so fitting for what I seek on my creative journey, with what I share and do here at Life Refocused. It’s all about how photography is teaching me about life, grief, the human experience, the common struggle, me.
I truly hope you click HERE to read the full post. Much love, friends. xoxo
Walking this new path in my life, managing this unexpected part of the journey, I find myself fumbling. I’m tripping over unseen roots and keeping a kind of hyper-vigilance. I seem to be holding my hands out in front of me as if to protect myself from branches and brambles, trying to keep the painful obstacles that might be ahead at bay. I suppose I am quite literally feeling my way.
Although I feel lost most days, I keep moving forward. I keep reaching out in front of me. Listening to mySelf. And I take step after step. While I am completely unsure of where I’m headed and what the destination may be, I know one thing for certain. I am going THROUGH. I know there is no going around. There is no evading what is, however painful and difficult it may be. There is no outrunning the truth, the heartbreak, the grief.
There is only THROUGH.
It is April. Spring. To say it is a time of transition — in the year and in my life — is to put it mildly. I have been quiet here of late as my whole world has been turned upside down. I’m s-l-o-w-l-y coming back to ground, back to right-side up. Searching and discovering whatever this new version of “normal” is going to be.
Every single day of January and February, and even into March, felt hard. As in “I’ve never gone through anything this difficult” hard. I had a constant wish that my heart would stop hurting, that the pit in my stomach would go away, that I would wake up from the nightmare I felt my life had become. Those wishes never actually came true. Not in the instantaneous way I had wished for, anyway.
But…my heart is healing. The pit in my stomach is subsiding. The nightmare still goes on, yet it is becoming less terrifying. And as these transitions have been occurring, I find that my mind has allowed for just a bit of space to dream. I’m feeling the cracks of openness to glimpse the hopefulness this season brings — of renewal, of awakening. As my birthday comes this week, as I embark on an altogether different chapter of my life, one that I never planned and certainly never expected, I wonder what new wishes I might be making…