Can’t See the Forest

Monday, November 3rd, 2014 12

I’ve been swirling for the past few weeks. Most days have felt like a struggle. Getting out of bed has been difficult. Pushing through the day has required inordinate effort. I’ve been looking forward to the end of the day when I can come home, change into my pajamas, and pour a glass of wine, with far too much gleeful anticipation.

I’m having tumultuous dreams and flashback images of my mother. A dear friend’s wife died, bringing up all of the feelings associated with the knowledge that friends my age shouldn’t be dying and that I, too, will die. My tendencies toward existential crisis lie just below the surface, and needless to say, have been spilling over. My self-efficacy regarding writing a memoir, telling my story and telling it well, has been dangerously circling the drain. Oh, and Mercury was in retrograde. I can’t see the forest for the trees.

Spectra Color_Corinna-Double-Exp_rsI have been stuck. In a fragile, emotional, crying-three-times-a-day funk. For a few weeks. But I’m coming out of it. I’m clawing my way to the surface. I have to. I need to see the big picture. I need to remember that life is short and I will die, and to use that knowledge to embrace the life I have rather than retreat from it. I need to remember that revisiting my past opens old doors, and that dreams and flashbacks are part of the process. I need to remember that I’ve never written a memoir before, that this is all new territory for me, and that my self-efficacy will grow as I keep writing.

Yes, I’m shaking the devil off. Casting off the stuck-ness. Starting to glimpse the forest again.

12 Responses

  1. Melissa says:

    Thanks for sharing so honestly, Meghan. You’re on an emotional journey, you’re being vulnerable and brave. That isn’t easy. These times are hard, but I know powerful things will come from your explorations into darker territory. I hope you can see the forest, soon, my friend.

    • Meghan says:

      Thanks, Melissa. I appreciate the support. I know you know so well the dark places these travels can take us. Looking forward to some fresh perspective and mutual writing support when we’re together next week. xoxo

  2. Corinna says:

    Let’s cast it off together. You got this. (and that picture holds something for me too. Hello forest.) xo

  3. Meghan…I know I rarely comment…but know that I so enjoy your postings…your photography and your writing…they inspire me. Thank you. Please keep sharing and telling your story!!!

  4. Emily says:

    So timely for me, Meghan, so, so timely. Thanks for being naked. May your courage be contagious. xo

  5. Celeste says:

    China life is too short and that same dear friend has told me more then once this last year we only have so many trips around the sun so let’s make them count, count in the way that means the most to you. I too have been struggling a great deal and I have found that writing lately has helped me more then ever before. I wish it was work writing but at least it is writing that helps me focus when I need to work or function outside of my own thoughts. The wonderful thing about life in all of its difficult moments and struggles are the opportunities we allow ourselves to reach out to others show our strength and our weaknesses, our joys and our sorrows and grow in these times blanketed in love and support. Even crying three (or more like today in the show department for me ….) a day. We cry because we live and because we love and feel …. Keep writing one thought one reflection one word at a time ….

  6. […] from which I want my life to spring forth. This word has been a guidepost for me this year. When I can’t see the forest for the trees, when I’m in the thick of the swirling, I reach for it time and time […]

  7. […] this current bout of swirling fades and my sense of security settles, I’m off in the mountains of New Hampshire for a long […]

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