A Love Campaign

Tuesday, September 8th, 2015 18

I somewhat jokingly posted on Facebook that I have developed an addiction to buying shirts with the word “love” emblazoned on them. My collection keeps growing and I can’t seem to stop myself from buying just one more, and then another, and then… Talking with one of my best guys this week, he mentioned how much he is digging this “love campaign” I’ve got going on. Huh. A love campaign?

love_rs

Truth be told, I have been rather love focused this year. This is surprising, most of all to me, given that I’ve been dealing with the greatest heartbreak of my life. Love walked right out my own front door, and I seem to have been seeking it everywhere since. Literally putting love on. Wearing “love” on ever increasing numbers of tanks and tees. Maybe I’ve been unconsciously believing if I have the word “love” written across my chest, it will fill up my heart by way of osmosis.

You see, the other truth is that I have been filled with rage. Sorrow. Disbelief. I’ve had vengeful thought after vengeful thought. Mean. Perverse. Bordering on evil fantasies. Ideas of possible futures blowing up in the face of a person who I used to know. Who I used to love. Who I used to have a life with. My thoughts and I have been dark. So dark I don’t even want to admit that it’s true I have these images, these scenarios I dream up as I drive to work, walk the dog, read words on a page with no retention.

I want to hide these parts for fear that you will see how awful I can be. Flooded with hate. Venom coursing through me. But all those feelings are true. They cannot be denied. They won’t allow me to disown them. He cut and run, and never looked back. After 16 years.

But his actions, his choices of abandonment, they say far more about him than they ever will about me.

Because I can feel this darkness, this black vastness, begin to eat me alive. And I won’t allow that. I can’t. I will not let hate take root. I will not let the vengeful fantasies, the voodoo thoughts take over. Why? To do so would mean to turn away from the light. To disavow the incredible love that surrounds me. The love that has held me up and not let me be sucked into the vortex of bleakness.

Love is not simply a word inscribed on my phone case, my sweatshirt, my yoga tank. Love is my religion, my practice, my guide. Love is what I want to be, how I want to be, who I want to be. I want to radiate love. I want to breathe love in. I want to shower you with love. Love is everything. Love is the only thing.

love-breeds-love_rsSo, yeah. Maybe I am on a love campaign.

18 Responses

  1. Corinna says:

    You ARE love. And you deserve love. And you are so so so loved. I’m proud of you for speaking your truth, owning it, and moving through this incredible trauma with an incredible amount of grace. You are an inspiration and a love guru. I’m happy to be in this life with you.

  2. Tasha says:

    Beautifully written! I was in a similar spot 10 years ago. Probably having the same sinister thoughts that you’ve been having. At one point I realized that I could let the experience drag me to the dark side and make me into someone that I knew I didn’t want to be or I could plant my feet and be the better person and follow all those things my family had taught me all those years. I planted my feet and came out of it a better person. Sometimes I can’t believe that I lived through it, but it’s not only been good for me, but great for my daughter. I don’t ever regret the decision. So go on with your love campaign! You won’t regret it. I’ll be pulling for you, my friend.

  3. Tara says:

    I am a big fan of your love campaign. Part of me, however, is relieved to hear that a darker side lurks nearby too. Those darker feelings are warranted, healthy, important. It is completely understandable you may not wish to dwell in the dark. Love on!

  4. Lindsey G says:

    “But his actions, his choices of abandonment, they say far more about him than they ever will about me.” my fav line. Keep writing and shine that love beacon of yours.

    <3<3<3

  5. Maureen says:

    What an honest, and loving post you’ve shared with us. I’m sorry for the darkness you have had to go through, but happy that you are choosing to walk and live in love. And you’ve helped me realize that I’m not looking for a relationship, I’m looking for love. However that shows up, in whatever (relationship) form it may take.

  6. Cherish says:

    Your light shines for all to see. The love campaign you created is bigger than you think, stronger than you know and more powerful than expected. Live on and LOVE on, my friend.

  7. Tracie West says:

    You are so strong. LOVE is so powerful. I’m drawn to it just like you.

  8. Annie says:

    This is such a powerful and honest post. Your feelings are completely justified, even the dark ones. I went through a different kind of breakup with some girls who I had known for many years. I use the term” girls” because they are perpetual 7th graders and, I can’t call them “girlfriends,” because they do not meet the definition of “friends.” It has taken me 5 years to get over the hurt and betrayal. During those years, I have had vengeful, dark thoughts. (You are not the only one).
    I can say I have finally moved beyond them and found love in so many other realms of my life. I am a better person for having survived. And you will be too. You embody love in your writing and in your beautiful images. Rock on, love.

  9. Debra says:

    You are the light. I love you.

  10. Staci Lee says:

    I am loving your love campaign. It is brave and inspiring.

  11. Sophia says:

    This afternoon I parked behind a car with a bumper sticker that said “Love is why we are here” and thought of you immediately. You are so much love and so much loved.
    #loveseesyou

  12. Lisa says:

    I have found heartache after heartache, even when in the darkest of places, love is what leads me out and brings me home. I guess I am on a love campaign myself as I had shared this last week on my blog:

    “Truly, the wise proclaim that love is the only path, love is the only God, and love is the only scripture. Impress this verse upon your memory and chant it constantly if you want to realize your dreams of growth. Love is the wish-fulfilling stone. Only love can bring unity and remove the separation between all living things. Only love purifies the body and mind. Love is not far away. Love is as close as your heart. You can find it living there without walking a single step. Love is my only path. I am, in fact, a pilgrim on the path of love.”
    – Swami Kripalu (from Sayings of Swami Kripalu, edited by Richard Faulds)

    You make a lovely Bhakti Yogini. Keep blazing … xo

  13. Aunt eileen says:

    Your feelings are so natural and I would never consider that it says anything about “awful” and you in the same breath. This is a way of healing. This is getting to the blessed healed place. You are loved. You are loving. You are love. AE

  14. Kendra says:

    Late to the party, work stuffs, but finally home where I can look and reply proper. You are the Love Campaign. I saw socks this week with hearts and thought they’d go with all your heart and love shirts you’ve been wearing lately. It was already in my mind, then you go and post this. Love on and long strong!

  15. Kathee says:

    Your writing came to me in the Somerset Life article and it pulled me to your website were I read with the same thoughts that you also carry. The love of my life left after 33 years, there are days that are the most beautiful day with love from family and friends and then those dark thoughts creep into your day. Understanding that we need to go through these days in order to heal and find Love on the other side is part of our journey. For the first time in a very long time I hear the beautiful words people are saying to me, your beautiful, amazing, incredible, and I Love You. I carry a love campaign also and you helped me realize this. I reread your post to remind me that we will make it, better and stronger than we were before. Finding ourselves and chasing our dreams and loving every minute of our lives, loving life to the fullest. Love on.

    • Meghan says:

      Thank you for your beautiful comment, Kathee. Thank you for coming here and reaching out. I’m glad you are on the love campaign, too. You WILL come out the other side — more beautiful and stronger for it. Sending you so much love. xoxo

  16. Anna Palmer says:

    I love your love shirt(s). Have you listened to the podcast Invisibilia? The first episode is about thoughts and whether they have real meaning and representation of our true selves. It was really well done and it might help you let go of your vengeful thoughts. Or at least the judgement you have around them. I know you wrote this a while ago so hopefully you are full of love again.

  17. […] have a friend who is on a Love Campaign. She’s had a rough year and she’s been through a lot, and despite being laid bare, raw and […]

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