Category : Funk
Having grown up near the ocean, I spent many summer days swimming in the Atlantic. And while I love swimming in the ocean (and miss it desperately), I recall numerous times that I got knocked down by thunderous waves, and swirled around in the mix of white water and sand. That’s kinda what this week is feeling like, minus the beach, the umbrellas, and the cute lifeguards. And all that knocking down is pushing me deeper and deeper into a FUNK.
Thankfully, I’ve got my trusty Mark Nepo book that I aim to read each morning, and you know what it said for today’s entry? Nepo was describing a woman’s journey through Europe, and he said this: “…though she often wasn’t sure where she was, she never felt lost. It was when she needed to arrive at a certain station at a certain time that she felt she was off course, astray, and at the fringe of where she was supposed to be…When we can free up our sense of needing to arrive in a certain place, we lessen the weight of being lost. And once beneath arriving and beneath our fear of failing to arrive, the real journey begins.”
Huh…interesting story and timing. Yes, rejection hurts and having things not work out the way I’d hoped *is* disappointing. Four times over in one week might put anyone in a FUNK. However, Nepo provides some perspective and solace that I’m working to take in and refocus myself. Perhaps these destinations weren’t the places I needed to be. Perhaps I’ve grown too attached to a timetable and to certain locations, and perhaps these attachments are what contribute to my feelings of being lost and in a FUNK. So, how to let go of these? Oh yeah, by doing this. Keep on the journey and trust the process.
How are you doing? What do you do to shake off a FUNK?
I’m feeling a bit edgy. A bit cranky. A bit…meh. Tangentially, I looked up edgy in the dictionary because the spelling looked wonky to me (it is, however, spelled correctly), and here were the definitions offered: “nervously irritable; impatient and anxious; sharply defined.” To those options I say, “YES!” I’m all of those. I’m not sure if it’s the post-birthday let down, or the I-didn’t-have-the-run-I-wanted-to-have blues, or this state of limbo I feel like I’ve been in for months. I don’t know exactly what it is. Likely, it’s a combination of all those aspects of my life right now. As much as I’d rather not be feeling nervously irritable and sharply defined, I am feeling this way. And I’ve learned the hard way that I need to go through these feelings and not around. Even still, I’m looking forward to more days that look and feel like this…
As soon as I think I’m doing okay, coping well with the loss of Ripken, a tidal wave of grief crashes over me. Small things churn these waves. Driving past the vet’s office, looking at the dog bed with only Parker lying there, noticing only one set of bowls on the kitchen floor. And then, I lose it. The tears well in my eyes, my throat tightens, my stomach knots. I try to remind myself “it was for the best” and to remember he’s not suffering. Yet these phrases don’t offer much comfort. The sobs come as the tears spill over and streak my face.
As much as I want to feel better, to be able to focus and get work done, to “move on,” I know all too well that this is how grief goes. It will be an ebb and flow of feeling better and feeling worse. This time will be filled with many moments of feeling like it all just sneaked up on me. Again. Such is the nature of grief and loss. And as I reflect on Life Refocused and lessons from Alt about focusing on the intention of my website, I realize I am doing just that. This grief, this loss, this missing of Ripken is focusing on what matters. This picture of my grief is using photography to creatively capture an important moment in my life. I am hurting because I deeply loved. And that, for sure, is dwelling in what really matters.
Choose love. When in doubt, choose love. I’ve written about this very thing before, but today, I’m focusing on choosing love toward myself. I’m feeling a bit sensitive. A bit raw. A bit vulnerable. You know how when you have the flu and your body feels uber-sensitive and like any slight touch to your skin hurts. I’m feeling that. But emotionally. I often respond to these internal feelings with a harshness and a voice that scolds myself about being too needy. I typically respond by telling myself to “stop it, quit being SO sensitive,” accompanied with my famous eye-roll (yes, I’m aware that I’m an eye-roller of epic proportions). But this self-berating, it’s just not helpful. It’s not nurturing, not caring, not understanding. It’s bullying…and I want to stop that. So today, I’m choosing love. For me.
I’ve been in a definite funk the past few weeks. Everything is fine, really. Lots to be grateful for, in fact. Yet, I’ve had a case of the blahs. I’ve been walking around with these feelings of sadness just below the surface, tears waiting for any opportunity to roll (have you seen those new Google Chrome commercials with Lady Gaga and Dan Savage?!? Those get me every time). As I’ve journaled most mornings and written about this funk, I’ve tried to figure out where these blahs are stemming from. I realize that much of it has to do with expectations, desires, and waiting on a decision or action from someone else. I am beginning to see that I’m giving scads of power over to others, and not holding much of my own. So yesterday, as I went to a much-needed yoga class, I set a new mantra for myself: “TRUST. I have done my part.”
I have done my part. And I cannot control the actions of others. I can only do my part. And you know what, repeating that mantra, reminding myself of that, is helping. I can only take the next step. Honor the journey. And maybe Lady Gaga has it right, maybe I’m on the edge of glory.